


Inside Out

by endemictoearth



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-09 09:52:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4343927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endemictoearth/pseuds/endemictoearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The 1.01 pool party from Rae's first person POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inside Out

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is a bit of an experiment. Since the show is basically from Rae’s voice and perspective, I wanted to write a first person scene in her thoughts. I don’t know if I was successful, but there are some bits in here that I’m not unhappy with (intentional double negative).

Oh, god. Chloe in her bikini. Kill me. I can’t compete with that. Why did I even show up? And Archie can forget about our pact. I’m not. fucking. doing. it. The only reason I even took off my clothes was because I found this old robe of Chloe’s dad’s in the changing room. 

Anyway, I’m doing the music. Like, contributing to the party, making sure the atmosphere is right. That’s something. That’s valuable. That grumpy sod Finn’s over there making drinks; I’m doing this. Not everyone needs to be in the pool. In fact, it would be boring if we were. Yeah. Exactly.

Archie seems pretty bloody calm and relaxed floating around on that raft, flirting with Chloe. Jesus. I wish  _my_  problem was that I had three faded spots on my back. Oh sure. Now he’s trying to glance at her tits without being seen, hilarious. What’s that I feel? Bubbling up from the bottom of my brain? SLUT. No, that’s terrible. I’m just going to focus on the back of this CD, maybe I can memorize the song titles.

Oh, shit. She’s coming over. 

_“Is there something wrong?”_

I want to scream. Yes, Chloe! There are so many things wrong I can’t even begin to count them all! Three days ago, I was locked away from the world and now I’m out and I don’t know if I like it or if I can cope! But I have to pretend like everything is better than fine and that I just came back from a bloody four month holiday in France!

_“No, why?”_

Did my voice just break? I can’t tell. I really hope it didn’t.

_“So why aren’t you getting involved?”_

_“I’m DJing. Duh!”_

_“Well, we don’t NEED a DJ. Just stick on NOW 33.”_

_“Are you kiddin’ me? It’s got Father and Son on it by BoyZone!”_

_“Yeah, well, we’ll just get out and skip it. Look, you’re not gonna make friends if you’re sitting on the sidelines all the time.”_

Shit. Fuck. I can’t win. If I join in, I risk having yet more insults heaped upon me, and I already collapsed under the weight of them once. It happened slowly, and even I was a bit surprised when my sturdy frame gave out, but I’ve learned everything and everyone has their tensile breaking strength. That point where you’ve taken everything you can take while still seeming fine, except the next ounce of pressure or hurtful word is going to make you crumple.

But, apparently, if I swing here in this chair, everyone will think I’m a stuck up bitch. 

_“Are people talking about that?”_

Inside my chest, it feels like my heart just dropped to my stomach while my stomach drops to the floor. Just the thought that these cool people who let me sit at their their table in the pub, and hang out with them more than once, are talking about me … it makes my skin crawl all over, all over again.

_“They might be. Look, you don’t want people thinking you’re weird, do you? You don’t want people thinking you’re not normal. Just come in.”_

I AM weird, Chloe; I’m NOT normal. And trying to pretend to be something I’m not is fucking exhausting. But if I flinch, if I blink, if I forget to breathe, I feel like I’ll start falling and never stop.

_“You are boring.”_

Okay, that’s it. I’m many things, but boring? Fuck that.

Maybe I can just slip into the water? If I jump into the pool, there will be an embarrassingly large splash. The steps are over by where Finn, Archie and Chloe are, and I definitely don’t want to be too close to anyone when I do get in. I’m not at my best close up. I’m probably most attractive from about 500 paces, just a blurry dot on the horizon. 

Ooh, the slide.No one’s over there. I can make it look deliberate. I used to love water slides when I was a kid. I’ll just … quickly climb up, and …

Looking down at the pool from this height, I’ve got that same feeling I had at the chippy two nights ago. The gang make such an interesting picture. I desperately want to be painted into the frame with them, but I just can’t imagine any of them truly wanting me around. 

Deep breath, Rae. Time to slide before I look like a twat sat up here for ages. I push myself off, and the momentum feels exhilarating until … I stop. No, I literally  _screech_  to a halt, like a bloody clichéd needle scratching a record. It’s been so long since I’ve been on a pool slide. Fuck, water slide. WATER slide. My suit and I are dry as a bone, so of COURSE. Of fucking course.

Perfect. Everyone is staring at me. At my fat stomach and cut up thighs. Maybe I can squeeze my eyes shut and will myself to spontaneously combust? That interesting picture I wanted to be part of a moment ago is completely changed. I don’t want to be a part of this new scene, let alone at the fucking center of it.

The music fades, replaced by the rushing of blood in my ears. Breathe, Rae, breathe. Count to ten.

Fuck this. I open my eyes to see Chop and Izzy looking at me. 

_“Chop?”_

_“Yes, m’dear?”_

_“Come and use those big swans you’ve been building to help me prise my fat butt out of this slide.”_

When my armor fails? First weapon in the arsenal is humor. Explode the situation. Make them laugh, even if it’s at me. If they’re laughing, they’re not thinking of something horrible to say. See? Chop’s chuckling. Everyone’s laughing, but at what I said.

_“Not a problem, Rae.”_

I half-slip, half-splash my way into the pool with Chop’s assistance; the water is a shock. I gulp a breath of air and think about sinking to the bottom, just to see if I can. But I know I’ll keep bobbing back up. It’s a fact: fat floats. As much as I consider myself to be part the sediment of life, in the water, I’m flotsam, bobbing around on the surface, practically graceful. Maybe I should have been a mermaid.

As I bounce up and break through the surface of the water, I actually feel better. Cleaner, cooler, calmer. 

_“Barman! A lemon hooch, if you’d be so kind!”_

I hear the strains of a familiar tune begin. Oh, no! Father and Son! Ear pollution!

_“And turn that shit off!”_

I grab Archie around the shoulders and dunk him until we’re both in over our heads.


End file.
